Giving and taking are part of love and a healthy, happy relationship dynamic. Men fall in love by giving to you, investing in you and pursuing you. It means you are a high-value woman and worthy of all the effort and energy he puts into you. 

Giving (back) to a man is good, but only if done the right way and in the right dose.

Here is how you know that you have been giving too much.

You feel angry, exhausted, and resentful, expecting things in return. If not given, you are hurt, frustrated, and disappointed. You feel burnt out, and your relationships suffer from your overgiving. 

These are the 5 different ways to give:

Way 1: Giving to get something (giving with an agenda).

This feels really annoying when you are on the receiving end. It feels insincere, as pressure is on you to give back, and it’s almost like a subtle threat to respond in kind. Guilt is the underlying emotion.

This approach will push men away; he might not be able to express it, but he won’t like it. Journaling can help you catch this tendency in yourself.f 

In dating, I advise you to stay away from men who make you feel this way.

I had a client who stopped seeing a man because he kept complaining about all the things he did for her, trying to make her feel obligated to drive out to meet him and invite him on dates in return.

She is now engaged to a man who is very masculine and loves to spoil her. 

Way 2: Giving to him what you would want to receive.

Here I always have the example of Viviane and her boyfriend Marek (names changed). Viviane, a former client, bought a dozen red roses, cooked a lavish candlelight dinner and wrote Marek a Valentine’s Day card. 

When Marek came over to visit Vivieane, unaware it was Valentine’s Day, she surprised him with this romantic gesture. Marek did not know what to say, felt awkward, and it all ended with Vivianne crying and feeling very disappointed. 

What met its peak on Valentine’s Day is a common dynamic I see: Women are doing all the things they would want men to do for them. If you pay really close attention, you will see the men do not feel the same way about this type of attention as we women would when receiving a rose or a heart-shaped balloon. 

I couldn’t even imagine doing this to my husband; he would immediately think it was a prank.

Instead, identify what you would want and learn to express yourself clearly and gracefully. And learn about the difference between men and women when it comes to what makes them feel loved. 

Way 3: Giving from your overflow.   

This is when you have enough love and are recharged enough to love others. 

Zoya is a well-rested and well-nourished new mommy to her first baby. She is giving from her overflow, because she knows how to ask for and receive support, and has no issue delegating all things that are not a priority. Zoya was my client and met and married her husband through my Upshot Dating™.

As a wife and expecting a baby, we set the goal to make this time as joyous as possible for her. Zoya told her husband that she needed help with the housework and cooking. He hired a cleaner, helps her with cooking, and they occasionally order healthy takeout. 

Zoya also got a babysitter she trusted, so she could take some time for herself, during which she would not do anything for the house or anyone else. But instead, she catches up on sleep, spends time outdoors, meets friends, or gets a massage. 

Way 4: Giving because you want to, you will not expect anything in return.

This is simply when you give for the sake of giving, because the mere act of giving will make you feel good. 

I feel good about giving huge sums of money to animal shelters and rescue organisations. It makes me feel good and happy, and has a purpose, and that is my reward.  

Way 5: Giving back to him. 

This is offering to pay for tea and cake. After he took you on many exclusive dates and dinner. It is smiling when he makes you happy, takes care of you. 

When he gives to you and you are able to receive and appreciate him for it, he falls in love. 

Giving back is not the same as making the score even. It is giving back by being happy and appreciative. 

My client, Mayla, stopped going out of her way trying to make dates special and instead learned to receive and appreciate the dates men planned for her. 

 This is what she was told by the men she dated. 

“You make me feel so good, and I love how happy you are”

“I feel like a real man and energised when I am around you.”

“You are such a happy girl, I would almost do anything to see you smile.” 

After learning about the 5 ways to give, what are you going to change in the way you give?

My Silver-Level Self Study Program, the BOUNDAR BUILDER, can be your best next. Giving and Boundaries are intertwined.