Why Men Send Inappropriate Texts and How a Modern Queen Responds
How to Stay Motivated When Online Dating Gets Ugly
We have all been there. You are excited —you have picked out the perfect dress and are looking forward to the date—until that one “ping” changes everything. Suddenly, a promising conversation turns vulgar, and that “gross” feeling sinks into your stomach.
It is incredibly demotivating. It makes you want to delete every app and give up on finding the right man altogether. If you have ever felt “stupid” for getting excited or wondered what you did to invite such behaviour, I want you to take a deep breath.
It is not your fault.
In this article, I am sharing an email from Masha, a woman who found herself in this exact situation just hours before a date. In my reply, I will show you how to stay on your Upshot-Dating® track, no matter what a random man sends your way.
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Masha writes (English Translation):
Dear Anina,
I am in the park exercising and was thinking about what to wear to my date tonight. This man seemed so promising, so I got excited about meeting him. Until the last messages he sent me.
It all started harmlessly, with him writing me some funny words in Russian. Then he asked for curse words, which I was not comfortable sharing or teaching. And suddenly he turned vulgar.
When I asked him if he knew what these words meant, he said yes. And then he said some pretty disgusting things to me in English. And sent me p@xxx images. So, it was not a misunderstanding.
I am shocked. I did not see this coming at all. I feel disgusted and also a bit stupid. What did I do wrong that he behaves this way? And what about the date tonight?
I am also quite confused because I was part of a group coaching programme where one of the coaches said that men are just this way, and it’s a good thing that he is attracted to me.
Thank you for being there, Masha
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Маша пишет: (Original Russian):
Дорогая Анина,
Я сейчас в парке на тренировке, как раз думала о том, что мне надеть на сегодняшнее свидание. Этот мужчина казался таким перспективным, и я очень ждала нашей встречи. До тех самых пор, пока не получила его последние сообщения.
Все началось вполне безобидно: он писал мне какие-то забавные слова на русском. Потом он начал просить научить его матерным словам, но мне было неприятно это обсуждать или учить его такому. И вдруг он стал писать вульгарности.
Когда я спросила его, понимает ли он значение этих слов, он ответил «да». А затем наговорил мне кучу отвратительных вещей на английском. И прислал p@xxx-изображения. Так что это не было недопониманием.
Я в шоке. Я совсем этого не ожидала. Мне противно, и я чувствую себя немного глупо. Что я сделала не так, раз он ведет себя подобным образом? И что мне делать с сегодняшним свиданием?
Я также в полном замешательстве, потому что раньше я участвовала в программе группового коучинга, где один из тренеров сказал, что все мужчины такие, и это даже хорошо, что я его так привлекаю.
Спасибо, что ты рядом, Маша.
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My Reply to Masha (and to everyone who needs to hear this):
I respectfully disagree with what you were told. I am not informed about the exact context in which you, as it seems, were told this is okay, but I can assure you it is not.
It is also NOT your fault; you are not to blame for this. His behaviour is his responsibility, and he is clearly out of line.
Here is what I tell my clients today, and what I did when I was online dating back then.
It is a limiting belief to assume all men are like that—let alone that this is normal behaviour, or that it is even a good thing or a compliment. Thinking this way sets the bar below bottom.
To me, this never felt right. I had higher expectations of how to be spoken to by a man, especially online, before I even met him.
While I was single and dating, I also got inappropriate texts, but I did not make it about me. I knew that a specific segment of men writes such messages, but not all of them.
I met my husband online; he wrote to me daily for months. Always kind, polite, and considerate, he never texted this way. If he had, it surely would have been the end of it.
Early dating and online dating are a matching and unmatching process. You are just finding out who your match is and who is not.
Of course, once you are a couple and in a committed relationship, it is up to the two of you what you write to each other.
But at this point in the dating process, this is not appropriate.
I wanted a man who knows what is appropriate, so I don’t have to make excuses for him. Because trust me, men know this is not okay.
Here is what my husband said about this situation.
I asked him while we made lunch together.
“Habibi, what would you say to a woman who was excited about going on a date with a man and then, at the last minute, the man sent her some very inappropriate messages? And now she feels down.”
Saying the same but much shorter than me:
“To a woman who is looking for marriage: Do not waste time on him. Forget about him.”
What did Masha do?
She blocked him, she cancelled the date—and if you must, also report him—and she continued on her track.
“The track” is what I refer to with the content of my Signature System, Upshot-Dating®, as the dating path from start, when you are single, to your previously defined upshot, which is your dating goal.
This man did not stop Masha, nor get her off her track.
She still went out that night, wearing the dress she had planned and looking beautiful.
While out having fun with her girlfriends, Masha was approached by several men and asked for her number.
Well done, Masha. A true Dating Queen right there!
Modern Queen Reminders:
- Once you have found the right man, this situation will be nothing but a distant memory.
- No man can get you off track; you are too powerful for that!
Download my Free Guide: Answers to the 27 Most Common Questions Men Ask You Online
Dedicated to Your Success in Love Since 2016
Anina Green | Soulmate Katalyst Ltd.
Clinical Psychologist, Certified Dating Coach, Wife, Physicist, Founder of Upshot-Dating®