Why Being a “Forever Girlfriend” is a Trap
I am Anina Green, a clinical psychologist and certified dating coach for modern women. Testwifing™ is a word I coined in the context of Upshot-Dating®, my Signature System. Read here: What is Upshot-Dating® the Modern Queen’s Way to Date
Testwifing™, as the word pun (unfortunately) intends, is a situation where a man is with you and gets the whole of you while he may still be making up his mind. He gets to “test drive” the marriage experience without ever having to officially step up. Essentially, you are functioning as a wife, without the legal or official status of being his wife. He gets your exclusive commitment. Your love and attention. Your support through thick and thin. He gets to show you off and introduce you to his friends. You meet his family and participate in family functions, responsibilities and duties. Maybe you have given him children; sometimes, they even have his last name. The list goes on …
All that is testwifing™ 🙁
Making up words brings to mind my French literature teacher, Madame Beaumont:
“Madame Green, vous ne pouvez pas simplement inventer des mots ! Corriger votre rédaction était un cauchemar, comme toujours !”
(“Madam Green, you cannot just make up words! Correcting your essay was a nightmare, as always!” (dramatic eye roll and sigh on her part).)
“Et comme toujours, votre écriture était excellente, mais au lieu d’un A*, vous ne recevrez qu’un A.”
(“As each time your writing was excellent, but instead of an A*, you will receive only an A.” (shaking her head, throwing my paper on my desk in front of me).)
To which I replied:
“Si l’on considère la linguistique, est-ce que tous les mots n’ont pas été inventés à un moment donné ? Ce n’est pas comme les lois de la nature ; la langue est une construction humaine.”
(“Looking at linguistics, aren’t all words made up at some point? It is not like the laws of nature; language is a man-made construct.” (I have her in front of me, not knowing what to say back).)
I feel bad looking back at this. Poor Madame, this discussion was more than she had signed up for. Needless to say, I was not (!) her favourite student. French literature and poetry are not for me; physics is my love.
On a more serious note: here are the 3 most prominent hidden costs of testwifing™ for women.
Please note: none of my content is to shame or blame you, but to empower you and show you what is possible for you.
Hidden Cost No. 1: Financial and Legal Disadvantages
Living together without being legally married is not the same as marriage. You miss out on the economic advantages and legal protections you deserve. This is especially critical if you have children.
There is nothing wrong with a woman wanting this certainty and security, especially when starting a family. And it is definitely not too much to ask of a man to protect and provide for the mother of his children.
Personally speaking, the fact that for some people this does not go without saying seems insane to me.
Hidden Cost No. 2: The Emotional Toll
Ten years of practical consulting experience, sitting across from women from all over the world (different cultures, religions, and traditions), has shown me first-hand what the emotional and often psychological costs of being testwifed™ are.
Beyond the legal and financial aspects, on an emotional level, most women I have worked with cannot see being unmarried for what it is: a boyfriend-girlfriend situation or a forever-dating relationship.
At some point, they will feel and see it as an official marriage. Most women eventually begin to feel “emotionally married”, yet they are still stuck in a “forever dating” situation where the man has never fully claimed them.
This slowly erodes a woman’s self-worth and self-esteem, turning her into an anxious, angry, clingy woman who is only a shadow of the Queen she could be if she were in a safe, secure romantic relationship with a man who claimed her.
Unfortunately—and always sad for me to see—at this point, the man has no further incentive to step up and go all the way. He has already gotten everything (love, commitment, children…) without having to marry the woman.
What I have also learned in my 10 years of women telling me their most private thoughts and feelings is that the majority of women, regardless of how modern, educated, and strong they are, do want a man to go all the way for them.
99% of the time, when we explored a client’s honest, true feelings on this matter, the answer was that she wants a man to profess his love for her with an official proposal and a real wedding ceremony.
I know I did. I am a physicist. I love driving; I love cars; I travelled the world on my own; I am a hobby shooter; all things you could consider not very traditional for a woman.
Yet to me, it was always out of the question to let a man testwife™ me. I never saw any contradiction in this, and being modern, either. To me, it is just respect for myself and my heart. So I met and married my husband in 9 months.
Hidden Cost No. 3: Implied by Research Data
Statistics show that the longer a relationship remains in the “girlfriend” stage, the lower the chance it will ever progress to marriage. The same goes for moving in together before an official commitment, such as a proposal, or moving in only once married, which is also associated with higher divorce rates.
This is based on the wrong but common idea that being testwifed™ and a girlfriend for years is a natural evolution toward more commitment and marriage.
My experience has told me the opposite holds true for Upshot-Dating®.
My clients get proposed to and are married faster than most women take to make it to the girlfriend stage with a man who is unsure about them. By the time most women have made it to the testwifing™ stage, my average client had her first baby with a husband who treats her like the queen she is.
In conclusion: Testwifing™ is a “detour” that comes at severe legal, financial, emotional, and psychological costs for women. The benefits (I cannot see them) do not outweigh the costs at all.
To me, testwifing™ is a byproduct of modern (Western) dating. It is based on the idea that marriage is outdated and just an unnecessary piece of paper. Read here: Marriage Is Just a Piece of Paper. Really?
It has allowed men to have it all from a woman without giving all in return. Which can never form the basis for a happy, healthy romantic relationship.
Issues like testwifing™ are why I do what I do.
Having grown up all over the world, I have put together the best of east and west, scientific and spiritual, modern and traditional and fed it into three main modules (mindset, self-love, and dating skills) which form Upshot-Dating®, my Signature System.
Upshot-Dating® is, I swear to G-d, the best, most evolved and self-empowered way any woman can date. And I am happy to welcome you as my client.
Leading to my next point, and I am sure the question you will now ask.
How do I Avoid Being Testwifed™?
Here are the 4 main pieces of advice I give my private clients.
1. Standards and self-respect of a true Modern Queen.
Not allowing men to testwife™ you is a sign of self-respect and self-love.
This helps you set the standard early on in dating, and a man naturally has to decide whether to commit fully or lose you, and, by that, make space for the right man for you.
2. Keep your eyes on your upshot; this is a choice you make.
Be more connected to your dating goal—your individually defined upshot—than to any man, regardless of your current feelings for him.
The woman who chooses herself and her goals over a man not on the same page is the one who succeeds and creates the love life she wants.
3. Use the “What Would I Tell My Daughter?” Tool
If you are already attached to a man, use this tool to gain objective clarity. Ask yourself: “What would I tell my daughter or best friend in this position?”
And you can take this even further by asking: “Would the right man for me, my soulmate, treat me this way?
If the answer is no, then dig deeper and ask yourself: “Why do I accept his?”
4. Mindset update: forget the “Rite of Passage” Myth
Unfortunately, many wonderful, educated modern women still believe that being a girlfriend and allowing a man to testwife™ them is a natural pre-stage to getting married.
As the Founder of Upshot-Dating®, I proved them wrong.
With a clearly defined upshot and following my 3-module system (mindset, self-love, dating advice), you can marry the right man within 6 to 18 months and entirely ditch the tetwifing™ stage.
No man can testwife™ a Modern Queen.
When a man is faced with the decision:
Do I want this woman enough to commit to her fully (because he knows that otherwise he cannot have any part of her)?
He will not – because he can’t- waste your time.
When he has to choose between the “fear of committing” and “giving up his freedom” or the fear of losing you, he will either propose or make space for the right man who will marry you.
I love you,
Anina
Modern Queen Quote:
You are worthy of a man’s full and exclusive commitment.
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Anina Green | Soulmate Katalyst Ltd.
Clinical Psychologist, Certified Dating Coach, Wife, Physicist, Founder of Upshot-Dating®