Self-sabotage, as per my definition for this blogpost, is any behaviours and actions that are not aligned with your goal, your Upshot. 

According to my Signature System, women define their Upshot before they start dating. That way, they do not waste time on the wrong men, nor dead-end relationships. Dating this way, the p. to get your heart broken, goes as close to zero as possible in real life 

Self-sabotage can show up at every stage of your dating process, from early dating to getting engaged and also later in married life. 

I once heard a Russian saying, “Same devil, different level.” Meaning, as you move forward, you will get to new stages and face new situations, but sometimes it will be the same old familiar nasty voice, or issue. 

Single, dating, engagement, wedding, and happy-ever-after married life, can be a very straightforward line, when you use my Signature System Upshot Dating™. Following my process, it should take you between 6 months to 2 years to find the right man and be in the relationship that you want. 

When it comes to self-sabotage, I tell my clients, and I also remind myself:

“Don’t expect yourself to be perfect, and never have self-sabotage act up. Just be the Queen of Your Life and know how to recognize it and quickly deal with it.”

Here are private client examples showing what this looks like.

All these women had their self-sabotage devils act up, but what matters is that they did not give in to them.

Self-sabotage in dating. 

Not dating, obviously, is also self-sabotage. 

You want to find the right man, but you are not dating or doing this work. That gets you the 100% self-sabotage score! Please take this with some humour. 

Jokes aside. Self-sabotage in dating, once you are actively dating, can be this: Always finding fault in every man, oftentimes for superficial reasons and having unrealistic expectations and being very judgmental. 

For example, for his accent, the way he ties his shoes, and the wrong colour of tie he wears. Expecting a specific first date, being very rigid in your expectations, instead of open, and seeing what he does and says. These are all self sabotaging behaviours I have seen come up in this phase. 

Self-sabotage around the engagement time. 

After Merav got proposed to, she suddenly felt waves of jealousy and kept interrogating her fiancé about his work colleagues. She almost broke up the relationship. Because she had convinced herself that he liked the front desk secretary in particular. Thankfully, we worked through this and it turned out to be unfounded. 

Self-sabotage versus intuition.

With Claire, however, it was different. She was exclusive with a man, and the they had already looked at engagement rings. When she got a hunch that there was something going on. Each time he picked up his phone, and the way he turned it away form her, Claire had a sense he was hiding something. 

Claire booked a session and asked me if it is self-sabotage. In session, I asked her to tune into herself and find out if this is her making this up, as in sabotage or in fact her intuition telling her. Claire leaned towards intuitions and she was right, he was married and had another girlfriend besides Claire. 

Self-sabotage around the wedding date.

Kazia, picked the worst fights at this time. She was scared because her intimacy fears acted up. Suddenly she was not sure anymore if she wanted this.

She found doubts in her husband, questioning if the fact that they had different cultural backgrounds could get in the way. And that their families might not get along.

She had dated her fiancé and got engaged to him through my Signature System.

As my client and from everything I witnessed, I knew that this man loved her and was a good match for her. This was panic before the wedding moment and as Kazia says today, she is so glad she had me and did not give in to it.

They have two children now who grow up bilingual and get the best of both worlds. Kazia books single session wherever she need to process something or wants my advice.

Self-sabotage in marriage or a committed relationship.   

Gabby got married to a man who offered to provide for her and asked her whether she wanted to be a stay-at-home wife or pursue a career.

In our private sessions, we discussed both options, and Gabby found out that her desire was to be a stay-at-home wife, for now and enjoy married life as newlyweds.

She moved into his mansion, which had a beautiful park-like garden, with that intention and agreement. Gabby wanted to spend time gardening, be in the nearby stable with the horses and learn how to cook.

A few months into this, her sabotage and feelings of not being good enough emerged. We had already dealt with her not feeling good enough when she was dating. After a nasty comment at yoga class about her being a stay-at-home wife, it all caught up with Gabby, and she spent the day weeping at home in bed, feeling guilty for the wonderful life she was offered.

I am glad she called me and booked a short notice session. We worked through it, and her husband was relieved to see his wife happy again and thanked me personally.

Gabby learned how to cook, and he gifted her a horse for their first wedding anniversary. After 2 years of being a stay at home wife, Gabby eventually opened her own business with her husband cheering and support. This time she did it because she felt it was the right time for her, not because she felt guilty or not good enough.

Self Sabotage versus intuition – boundaries – incompatibilities.

Briefly I can say that self sabotage is something you create because you have inner work to do. 

While intuition is a gut-level feeling and knowing of things. As you can see in Claire’s case. 

Boundaries are individual and help you stay happy and nourished. 

Incompatibilities do not make either of you bad; they just mean you are not a match. 

You are welcome to speak to me personally if you want more support in this. Book your Intitial Call here.

Love,

Anina 

For more work on boundaries, my Silver Level Self-Study program, the Boundary Builder is highly recommended. It is a must-have for any stage of the dating process and beyond. 

And as always the best place to start is by putting your name on the Bronze Level (*free) Email list.