Jenny recently became my private client, and here is what she wrote to me when she first contacted me.
Hi Anina,
I fell in love with a man who is separated from his wife. We speak every day and write lots of texts in between. He told me he wants to file for divorce and not get back with her. They still live in the same house, but have been separated for 2 years. It has started to annoy me that he still lives there. I got jealous, and I wonder when he will tell her about me and move out. What should I do?
Thank you,
Jenny
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
My reply to Jenny was not what she was hoping for.
But she took it well, stopped being in touch with this man and has since moved on to Upshot-Dating™, my Signature System.
Early on in my career as a consultant, I decided not to shy away from telling my clients uncomfortable truths.
While it may not be pleasant to hear at first, this is the way to make a change, and it’s why my clients get the results they do.
Here is what I told Jenny:
Besides, how real this may feel to you because of the time invested and the number of texts and calls. It isn’t.
This is not a real relationship, and you are losing time engaging with this man.
You asked me what you should do.
STOP
Step back, and be objective.
Taking your emotions out of the equation, this is what you see.
A man who is still legally married and lives under the same roof with his wife.
This has been the case for 2 years plus.
He spends time with you, but has not even told his wife.
What makes you think he will?
Why hasn’t he got a divorce already?
If this were your best friend or little sister, whom you cared about, would you want her to be in this situation?
Or would you want her to have a real relationship with a man who is available?
This man is not available.
Neither legally, because they are still married on paper.
Nor emotionally, because he has not cut ties with his ex-wife as he should, to be able to date.
He still lives with her and keeps his romantic life secret from her.
After a divorce, there would be no need to do that.
After a divorce, he and his wife are free to move on and date.
This doesn’t look good, Jenny.
For you, I would want more.
You deserve more.
Do you really think that the right man for you would string you along this way?
I know it is difficult now because you got emotionally invested, and part of you hopes that this will be an exceptional and special case.
That he is different, and your story is different.
You do not want this to be as bad as I just painted it.
I know, I know, you need to give this part of yourself compassion and take yourself by the hand out of this.
You need to look at that part of you that got hooked on this man with compassion. But decide that you are in charge.
You decide to do better for yourself and not continue this situation any further.
If he gets a divorce now, tells his wife and moves to his own place.
Then you can have hope that your story will be an exception.
Till then, facts tell you they are not, despite your feelings for him.
Once he is divorced and available, he may start officially dating you, and then you can still see if he is the right man for you.
Until then, there is no way he can take up any more of your time.
You are a woman, looking for true love with an available man.
Your time, emotions and heart are precious.
Talking daily and texting, yet hiding the “relationship” does not count as anything real.
This is an affair at best, with little chance of ever being more.
Please, Jenny, face these facts; do not hate me the messenger.
Take back your power and show up in dating as the valuable woman you are.
You deserve a man’s full and exclusive commitment.
The fastest way to get there is by dating available men only.
Love to you,
Anina