Please know that you are not the only woman feeling like this. I have helped many clients deal with retroactive jealousy. 

When you feel jealous of his past, here is what I want you to do. 

1st. Stop asking more questions.

Most clients I helped handle this type of jealousy had a strong and unhealthy interest in their partner’s past. 

This can look like:

• asking lots of detailed questions about his past relationships
• often to the point of upset and fights
• stalking his exes on social media
• reading his old letters
• thinking about his past life at the expense of your present 
• looking at photos, going through his stuff and memories he has stored away in boxes somewhere 

Pull the brake on those habits, and stop asking details about his past. 

If he brings it up, ask him to please stop. Say that this is not good for you and your relationship right now. 

2nd. Write out why you are the love of his life. 

This is an exercise I gave to Carla, a wonderful woman who struggled with the fact that her husband needed to be in touch with his ex-wife because they share children. 

Take a pen and a piece of paper, or a smaller A5-sized card to fit in your pocket.

I call these little notes “rescue cards” that we write ourselves. 

I came up with this when I was 18 to help me deal with my fears at the time. Each time I felt the fear come up, I would pull up the cards that were close by in my pocket or handbag and read through them. 

Let us create a rescue card that will do wonders when you feel jealousy creep in and want to plague you. 

I asked Carla to answer the following questions. 

• Why are you the love of his life, and why did everything in his past prepare him to be with you and the best partner for you?
• Why are you the best woman for him? Give at least 10 reasons. 
• Why is your relationship special and more important than his past? 

Write the answers on a card with a note to self saying: 

Hello YOUR NAME, 

I know you feel the jealous monster creep in. 

Breath! 

You are stronger than this, and you are in charge. 

Remind yourself of the incredible woman you are and that you are the love of his life. 

Keep your rescue card close by. 

Read it not only when jealousy creeps in, but make it a habit to read it at least three times a day. For example, when you eat your meals. This will help you reprogram your mind and update your system. You can also record your notes and listen to them. 

I believe in you; you can handle this and gain self-control. 

3rd, is this a value-based issue? 

We need to ask some tough questions. 

Being unable to handle his past may be a value-based issue. 

No amount of self-love and reminding yourself that you are the love of his life can solve that.

Is this an issue you want to take on and accept his past? 

Or are you unable to accept him and his past because it is against your values? 

Only you can know, and I can help you find out only in a personal conversation. 

This is too complex an individual to answer in an article. 

The goal is to decide which route you take: working on accepting him and his past, or freeing yourself by ending the relationship because you are incompatible.

Neither is wrong. 

Wrong would be staying stuck in the middle. 

Which is not being able to accept him and his past because it collides with your values, but still staying with him and having a miserable romantic relationship.

Either way you choose, stop making yourself suffer. You deserve to be happy. 

I hope this was helpful. Do not hesitate to contact me if you need one-on-one support through this. 

Love to you, 

Anina