Should you wait for him to change his mind?
What do you do when you have found a man who is loyal, kind, and your perfect partner, but who is on a different page when it comes to a core value: marriage?
I have helped several women who were deeply attached to a man, yet their “Upshot”—the ultimate goal of a committed marriage and family—seemed out of reach.
Women are often told to “be patient” or “compromise.” I strongly disagree. There is a much better way: Upshot-Dating®, the Modern Queen’s Way to Date
In this article, I share a case study from a private client. Agneshka, a 34-year-old professional, was faced with a dilemma: stay with a man she loved who didn’t believe in marriage, or honour her dream of a Catholic wedding and motherhood.
Through the Upshot-Dating® Signature System, we moved Agneshka from trying to convince him to the empowered position of being claimed.
Agneshka writes:
Hello Anina,
I was referred to you by a friend who recently got engaged using Upshot-Dating®. I think I need to become one of your clients, too. Here is my situation.
I have been in a relationship with a man for two years, and we have a great time together. We love hiking and weekend getaways in the Irish countryside. And even in a regular work week, we do the rounds in Howth. We have the same sense of humour, and he is an excellent cook. We can have deep conversations, and he is a very honest, loyal, and kind man.
That is precisely what I am looking for, except when it comes to one thing—the topic of marriage. I am Polish and Catholic, and my faith is a significant part of my life. I want to get married, wear a white dress—not that the dress matters—and be committed to a life-long partnership until death do us part.
He, however, does not believe in marriage, thinks it is outdated and will end in divorce anyway. We had numerous conversations about that, and I wondered how I could change his mind and make him believe in love and marriage as I do. Maybe he is just scared and has seen too many bad examples? I do not know what else to do.
I am now 34 and want to start a family. I took some time to move abroad and establish myself in Ireland, but now I am ready and finally want to become a mother. What do you think?
My Reply:
Hello Agneshka,
Thank you for reaching out to me and taking your life into your own hands by actively seeking solutions and getting the desired outcome (upshot) you want. You will be able to look back at this and say that you created the life you want—with children and the marriage you want. Because you will; you are dedicated and in the right place.
Now, let us get started and sort this out. Here is how I would walk you through this in a private session.
Your time is precious; that is why you came here.
Two years at your age is plenty of time to be in an exclusive relationship with a man. It is plenty of time to get to know each other, your values, and your compatibility. And it seems you are good together and generally happy, but at an impasse when it comes to a core value: the topic of marriage.
I know this is heartbreaking, but not ignoring the problem is essential to creating the life you want. My goal in consulting with you is for you to either accept the situation and be okay with it, or reject it and actively work to change it. Even if that means letting this man go so you can find another man who will marry you and believe in marriage as you do.
Choose your relationship goal over a man you are dating.
Generally, when a man doesn’t share our values or isn’t looking for the same thing, that doesn’t make him a bad man. It can just mean you are not a match. To create the life you want, you sometimes need to choose your goal and the relationship you want long-term—for the rest of your life—over a man you are currently seeing and feel attached to. The clients who succeed share a common trait: a firm conviction in their dreams.
Or are you willing to compromise?
If you sat in front of me during a session, I would ask you this: Can you compromise on this and spend the rest of your life with him without marriage? In a long-term, committed, happy relationship. I feel the answer between the lines of your letter, and it is “no”.
Stop working to win him. That is the man’s job.
What I see is that you are on the wrong wagon. You are trying to convince him, wondering whether he is scared of marriage and trying to understand what he needs to take the next step. You are emotionally invested in him, which is understandable, especially since he has many positive qualities and you seem like a good match. Yet, I do not like to see you in this position.
What feels better to the woman in you?
- Trying to win him over and convince him to marry you.
- Or being claimed by him.
To me, the first option is a total turn-off, while the second feels natural and right.
Start Upshot-Dating® instead.
This is my Signature System, and I recommend it as your first step. Of course, you will have to tell him that you are now changing the definition of your relationship. You have chosen to honour your desire to get officially married, so you need to start seeing other men.
Please be aware that:
In Agneshka’s case, we didn’t immediately start dating multiple men. We took the focus off him, and she stopped trying to convince him. Both of them faced the possibility that she might have to leave him, even though she loved him. During this period, Agneshka focused entirely on being the woman connected to her dream while staying open, warm, and loving towards him, which made him even more attracted to her than ever.
Agneshka had a set of Platinum-level (in-person) sessions with me in Dublin and got married the same year.
He proposed, chose his love for her over his fear, and even agreed to marry her in church. Now they have their first baby on the way; he recently told her he believes in marriage and is glad they got married.
Well done, Agneshka, for materialising your dreams.
For any woman reading this who feels at an impasse in her love life, my recommendation is to prioritise your dating goal over the current attachment to a man who is not giving you the commitment (your upshot) you really want.
I do not agree with the “be patient” or “compromise” approaches when it comes to something as important as finding the right man.
Stop trying to win a man; instead, focus on being the woman who is claimed by the right man for her.
If you are as courageous and brave as my client Agneshka, you can contact me and we can discuss how my Signature System can be tailored to your individual situation.
Your future, the family, and the marriage you want to have are worth the investment. You owe it to yourself to have the courage and take your life into your own hands.
Contact me here by booking a 30-minute Assessment Call
I look forward to meeting you!
Anina Green | Soulmate Katalyst Ltd.
Clinical Psychologist, Certified Dating Coach, Wife, Physicist, Founder of Upshot-Dating®
Dedicated to Your Success in Love Since 2016