Coleen from Ireland asks: “ Hello Anina, I am on your Email list and recently began Upshot-Dating™ to find the right man. Should I date a divorcee?”

Here is my answer to Coleen and any woman who may be asking herself the same question. 

In private sessions, I usually ask my client the following questions so she can find out what is right for her, whether she should date a divorced man or not. 

Question 1.) What is the state of his divorce?

Directly speaking, this means, is he really divorced? 

A divorced man means that the divorce is through, the papers have been signed, and he and his ex-wife live in separate places and lead separate lives. Unless this is the case, you are looking at an unavailable man. 

Please don’t continue to see him unless he has become available. 

I have had clients tell me about men who still live under one roof with their wives and are “thinking about getting a divorce”. Or who are just going through a messy divorce. 

If you find yourself in this position, here is an article that will help: Why do I like and attract unavailable men?

Question 2.) What is he looking for?

Is he ready to recommit in the same way as you are looking to? 

A client told me that she was dating a man who once hugged her, looked her in the eyes, and said, “I can not give you what you are looking for.” Yet, she stayed, hoping he would change his mind. He just got divorced, had a teenage son and just wanted to enjoy some nice moments, but not get into a fully committed relationship. 

Many men who have just got divorced will tell you that they are not looking to get married again. 

Yet, when they meet a woman and fall in love, it can happen that they will change their minds quickly. 

However, please do not try to change his mind or stay with him in the hopes he will. 

It’s best to take his word for it. Believe him when he says he is not looking to get married again. 

Men are not like women. 

He is not saying this because he wants you to win him over. And he is also not saying this because he needs more time. 

If he tells you he is looking for a serious commitment with you. See if his consistent actions over time support his statement. 

Question 3.) Are you ok with his past? 

Does it scare you that he is divorced?

This is the most common issue I see women struggle with. Fears. 

• Is he really over his ex?
• Will I always be only number 2?
• I am scared he can not make marriage work. 

Facing these thoughts and feelings is so important. Otherwise, you may risk passing on a really good man.

I can not handle his past. Is an article that can help you explore this further. 

If his past scares you, this will be reassuring to hear.

It is possible to have a great relationship as two divorced people. I have seen clients get remarried and have lasting marriages. 

It is never too late to learn relationship skills. 

A lack of relationship skills is often the reason why people who love each other get divorced. 

Love is not luck, but a set of skills.

You, as a woman, have so much power when it comes to the depth and connection in a romantic relationship. You are the gatekeeper or guardian angel. Together with the knowledge of how to spot a good man, there really is no reason to be so sacred. 

There may be value-based concerns.

It may be against your religious values or an absolute non-negotiable for traditional reasons. I have had clients who did not want to be with a divorced man because of their religious beliefs. And other clients who could not introduce a divorced man to her traditional family. 

What about children? Does he have children? 

Any decent man will continue to be there for his children, and at times, he will have to prioritise the children over the relationship with you. 

His ex-wife will be in the picture as a coparent. You need to decide for yourself if you are going to be ok with that.  

What about YOU! Do you want (more) children?

I see many women end up wasting years of their lives because they didn’t ask themselves this question, nor did they ask the man they were dating early on.

I always advise my clients first to gain clarity on this question themselves. This will help you define your dating pool and give you the confidence to ask a man early on if he is looking to create a family or expand the one he already has.

Define your dating pool.

If having children and being a co-parent, or a divorcee per se, is something you know in advance you won’t be able to accept. Then no matter how available and decent this man may be. He can not be part of your dating pool. This doesn’t make him a bad man, just not a match for you.

The same applies to unavailable men who are not seeking the same things as you. 

Hope this helps,

Anina  

In any case, Upshot-Dating™, my Signature System, is always the best way to go about dating, and you will find true love fast.