In a nutshell, being a girlfriend makes sense if this is your desired status, not if you think it is a rite of passage to become a wife.
My consulting is client-centred. Inspired by Carl R. Rogers, this approach is the one I took to the most as a student of clinical psychology and during my counselling training at university.
When I take on a new client, one of the first things we do is to understand what she wants. Not what society tells her (for example, marriage is outdated, or you have to get married), not what other women do, not what she thinks she should want.
Instead, she will trust herself and then decide for herself.
With this article, I aim to help you make the best decision for your situation regarding whether to be a girlfriend, taking into account your stage of life and individual situation.
Very important to understand is this:
Many women still believe that being a girlfriend is a natural step toward becoming a wife.
In reality, being a girlfriend is not a linear, fast-paced path to getting more commitment, being engaged, and having a wedding. It can be eventually, in some cases.
However, more often than not, the longer the relationship, the lower the chance that it will progress to a more committed relationship and a wedding.
CONSIDER THE COSTS OF BEING A GIRLFRIEND
Most women I see and consult are unhappy with being just a girlfriend. They find themselves in a trap. They are fully invested but do not have the commitment they want, and the emotional toll this has on women is severe.
CONCLUSION
Being a girlfriend is not a direct path to marriage and becoming a wife, and it comes at a high emotional cost.
Being a girlfriend doesn’t make sense if you are looking for marriage.
Being a girlfriend is creating an unnecessary detour. Do not do that.
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD
If you want to get married, start a family, and have a man’s full commitment, please be certain that this does not have to take years.
Getting married is a mindset and a decision you first make.
Then, you show up in dating as a woman who is clear and set on her goal, and you will get married fast.
The best way to do this is through my Signature System, Upshot-Dating™.
I first dated this way myself, and was married within 9 months.
I then used my academic background as a clinical psychologist and my expertise as a certified dating and relationships coach to create a process that has now been replicated by women worldwide.
So, when does being a girlfriend make sense?
I have three groups of clients for whom being a girlfriend makes sense.
I will use age brackets, as age often correlates with this specific season of life. But do not let age limit you. You may be of a different age, but you might still be in one of those groups.
Group 1.
From 16 to 25 years +, having a boyfriend can make sense.
But to be transparent, I would not want my daughter to have a boyfriend between the ages of 16 and 20. I find that too early and distracting for a woman’s development at that age.
I have consulted clients in this age range. Most of them were just getting to know themselves and going into higher education. These clients began dating around the age of 23 and found a man for a serious and committed relationship right away.
They skipped the part of having their first love fail or going through one or two failed relationships that, in hindsight, cost them more than they got from them. Instead, these women focused on themselves and had a higher chance of making their love last.
Group 2
Single mothers who date single fathers and do not want a patchwork family, single mothers who want a romantic life but do not want the man to move in as a stepfather—these are personal decisions these women have made, and I was there to support them in their dating goals.
They have their children as a priority, until the children are grown up and leave the house, the romantic relationship comes second. I have many examples of clients where this works well, and the romantic relationship is very happy.
I find this an excellent solution and can see how these mothers are happier overall as they still experience romance, being desired, and feeling like women.
Group 3
My client, Clarissa, is my favourite example to give here. She came to me when she was 56 years. She is a successful businesswoman and a self-made millionaire. She wanted to learn from me, but did not want to get legally married.
Here is Clarissa in her own words:
“All my life has been dedicated to building my company, and at 56, I believed myself too old for love. That was until I met Anina.”
“I have found a wonderful partner who spoils and treats me like a queen. I have allowed myself to receive and enjoy, just like Anina taught me.”
“It never felt this good to be a woman. Anina’s class and expertise make her an excellent consultant.”
Clarissa, businesswoman, U.S.
I hope this article helps you gain clarity on your situation, understand your season in life, and confidently choose what is right for you.
Please know that as you go through life and evolve, you, of course, always have the right to change your mind. It is possible that you are in group 2 or 3 today, and at some point in the future, you may want more. That is legitimate and doable.
Further reading that might be helpful for you: I am not sure if I want to get married.
