The Upshot-Dating® Perspective: Reclaiming Your Power in a Superficial Dating World
Ghosting is often seen as a reflection of the soulless online dating world and the superficiality of our time. For a woman with good character and integrity, being ghosted can cause dating fatigue and may make you question online dating—or dating altogether.
While this is understandable from your current vantage point, as a clinical psychologist, certified dating coach, wife who met her husband online, and founder of Upshot-Dating®, I am here to help you overcome this.
In this article, I will show you how powerful my consulting system is and how, equipped with the right mindset and skills, you can handle anything that comes your way in dating. As the true Queen of Your Life, no one can stop you from creating the life you want.
What is Ghosting?
In the world of modern dating, “ghosting” is when a man abruptly vanishes without a word of explanation. One moment you are in communication, and the next, he has blocked your profile or simply stopped returning your calls. This often happens just as you begin to feel a genuine connection and sense the potential for more. While this has become common behaviour in the online dating world, it remains a disrespectful act. It is not pleasant to experience, but together, we will learn exactly how to handle it with grace and power.
How Being Ghosted Feels
As a caring, kind, and sensitive woman of high character who is looking for love, this experience can feel strange, disappointing, and hurtful.
Especially when you felt things were going well, you may now wonder what you have missed, which creates a deep sense of confusion.
At other times, you may have had a quiet intuition that something was off; in those cases, while the silence is still disrespectful, his disappearance doesn’t necessarily come as a surprise.
The Spiral of Self-Doubt
In the silence he left behind, it is only natural to find your mind racing with questions:
- Is there something wrong with me?
- Why can’t I seem to keep a man’s interest for more than a few weeks?
- What did I do wrong to make him pull away like that?
- Why doesn’t he have the backbone to just be honest with me?
Why do men ghost?
The Standard Excuses
You will often hear people offer various justifications for his silence, suggesting:
- He became overwhelmed by his feelings and simply could not cope.
- The connection was becoming “too real,” and he was scared off.
- He realised he was incapable of giving you what you truly want and deserve.
Here is what I think:
I think all of those excuses are nonsense and a complete waste of time.
If a man wants you enough—more than his fears—he will face them. Trust that.
To me, ghosting is a clear signal. Even if you argue that it is disrespectful and immature (which it is), it remains a definitive way of telling you that he is not interested in taking this any further.
Simply put, through his actions, he has told you everything you need to know.
The exact reasons or combination of factors do not matter because he did it. His inaction is the only data point that matters. If there is no movement towards you, there is no possibility for a real relationship.
Never mind his reasons, the result remains the same: He ghosted. All that matters now is how you move on so you can find the right man.
This is why it is essential not to invest too much emotionally in the early stages of dating. In case he does ghost—which is not nice, but can happen—you are braced for it. It won’t cost you your time or your feelings because you are protected.
My Signature System, Upshot-Dating®, and my self-study programme, Online Dating Queen, will teach you exactly how to do that.
Decent Men and the Reality of Online Dating
There are decent men out there, and online dating is a good thing. Before you lose hope, I want to tell you that not all men are like that and not everything that happens online is terrible.
I have client cases where the man called my client to say he had met someone else and thanked her for the dates they had shared. Or where men told the women they did not want to take up any more of their time because they did not think they were a match. All of this is very decent and mature behaviour—proof that there are men of character out there.
Yet again, do you really need him to spell this out for you, or will you take his action for it?
If I were single and dating again, I would simply go by his actions. He no longer calls; he is out. Never mind the reason why; I wouldn’t even spend my time trying to find out.
Modern Queen Mindset:
My value as a woman, or my mood and outlook on dating, does not depend on a random man’s actions.
Common (and Bad) Advice on How to Respond to Ghosting
“Call out the ghoster” and “do a friendly check-in” are two very, very bad pieces of advice.
Why?
Because this is exactly the type of advice that gets women into the very situations my consulting has to get them out of later.
Bad Advice 1:
Calling him out, what for?
This only creates unnecessary drama and conflict. At this point, he does not owe you anything. Instead of confronting him, turn inwards and work on your own fears and triggers around the situation. This is where your true power lies; you can control your inner state. You have no influence over a man you dated randomly, so do not even try. It is a waste of time.
Bad Advice 2: Doing a “friendly check-in” No!
This is highly masculine behaviour and constitutes pursuing him. It sets the relationship dynamic up the wrong way, with you in “masculine mode.” If you continue to date after a check-in, it is only because you are “easy” and have made it convenient for him—not because he felt a genuine desire to pursue you.
Please remember: You can do better than that. And you deserve better!
Once you learn to date the feminine way, as the pursued prize in love, you will never go back to struggling and running after men.
What I Tell My Clients to Do
As your true self—the Modern Queen version of you—the woman who values herself, here is what you do:
NOTHING.
When you have been ghosted, do not do anything. Just move on and keep dating other men. He has told you everything you need to know by his non-actions. That is it. It is that simple.
Instead, do this:
- Understand that this has nothing to do with your value as a woman. Whether a man ghosts you is not in your control, but your self-preservation and forward-focused response is.
- Remember that not all men ghost. Do not give up on dating now.
- Trust that you will find a man who won’t ghost you.
- Focus on yourself. Spend time with friends and family.
- Invest in yourself. Learn everything you need to know about the art of dating.
Love is not luck, and finding the right man isn’t rocket science. It is a set of skills and following a clear process and path. This is all laid out in three modules: Mindset, Self-love, and Dating Skills, which make up Upshot-Dating®.
I am aware that my approach to ghosting may feel very straightforward, and my words can seem brash. My intention is to quickly reconnect you with your power as the woman who is the prize in love and dating. This is the stance of the Dating Queen.
I want you to stop over-investing in and over-analysing this man, because it is masculine pursuing energy. As a Modern Queen, you can do so much better.
The most important takeaway: there is nothing wrong with you.
The fact that he ghosted simply means he is not the right man for you. The purpose of early dating is to see if you are a match. A “no,” in this case, is a “yes” to the right man—who is out there looking for you right now.
Let this man go and get back on your Upshot-Dating® track so the right man for you can find you, pursue you, and—definitely—he won’t ghost you.
And always remember, once you are happily married to your love, this, just like any other bump in the road, will be nothing but a distant memory at best.
What are your two best next steps from here?
- Bronze Level (Free): Instantly download my guide: How to Detect Scammers in Online Dating.
- Silver Level (Self-Study): Have a look at my program, Online Dating Queen. I like to call it the “driver’s licence” for the online world.
With both these materials, you will know exactly what you are doing, and the chance of you being ghosted—or feeling bad about it—will go close to zero.
Anina Green | Soulmate Katalyst
Clinical Psychologist, Certified Dating Coach, Wife, Physicist, Founder of Upshot-Dating®
Dedicated to Your Success in Love Since 2016