Do you find yourself addicted to the “spark” and the “butterflies,” only to end up in a rollercoaster of anxiety and drama?
Many intelligent and successful women confuse intense chemistry with true love, not realising that these feelings are often just old, unhealthy patterns repeating themselves.
As a Clinical Psychologist and the founder of Upshot-Dating®, I have consulted many women like Ricarda to break chemistry-based dating patterns and find the right man who gives them a stable, secure, safe, and loving relationship.
This is Ricarda, my former client, a therapist from Spain, in her own words:
“I had a messed-up dynamic when it came to men and dating. I am now attracted to a different type of man than I would have fallen for. This is testimony to how much I have healed. It is impressive how Anina helped me overcome my chemistry-based attraction patterns.”
What chemistry-based dating feels and looks like:
- Butterflies and the spark.
- Instant attraction.
- Your heart beating fast.
- Falling head over heels in love with a man you know nothing about.
- Throwing all your plans overboard and getting ahead of yourself.
Chemistry also is:
- Anxiety and uncertainty.
- Being on your toes.
- Push and pull dynamics.
- Hot and cold behaviours.
- A rollercoaster of emotions.
- Intense emotions and actions.
- Drama, fights, and making up.
Chemistry can be this bad
If your father drank too much at times, was unpredictable, and shouted at you, you will feel chemistry with a man who is chaotic and has similar tendencies. Chemistry is often confused for love. Normal, balanced men—the “Type 3” men—will feel boring to you. Stable, strong men who move slowly and steadily towards you in dating will not make you feel as uncertain and anxious as you think love should be.
Read here: The 3 Types of Men: A Guide to Ending Dating Drama
Here is what I told Ricarda:
Put men in roughly three groups:
- The ones that repel you.
- The ones that are “ok,” but the spark is missing.
- Men with whom you feel intense attraction and chemistry.
To do this, you need to listen to your gut feeling. Once you have understood which group the man belongs to, you must be strong and disciplined and ignore the feeling of intense chemistry. Otherwise, that feeling will coax you into dating men who are not good for you.
Date only the “ok” men !
Now you only date those men who are “ok,” where the usual anxiety and drama are missing. While you do that, we focus on inner work: healing your heart and changing your idea of what is healthy and normal.
Through doing your inner work, you will feel attracted to men who treat you well. It is discipline on the outside and self-love on the inside, which updates your system.
The Transformation
That is exactly what happened. Ricarda trusted me and made an effort, despite initially finding stable men “boring.” A few months into her inner work, she started to like the men she was dating. She wondered how she could have ever taken all the stress that chemistry-based men brought her.
In Ricarda’s situation, she also had to take off her “rescue uniform.” As a therapist herself, I had to remind Ricarda that she is looking for a strong man who can make her feel safe and taken care of. She had to get out of “therapist mode” and learn to be the happy girl who has fun on dates and lets the best man win.
The Result
Drawing more boundaries and allowing herself to receive actually cured the burnout Ricarda had struggled with for a while. About 8 months after working with me, she got engaged to a stable, reliable man and feels happy and safe.
Ricarda’s story proves that you don’t have to be forever the victim of chemistry in dating and that you can break old patterns.
If you want to overcome your own unhelfup dating patterns as Ricarda did, here is your next step:
Download my Free Guide: Succeed at Love Regardless of Your Past
This will put you on my email course and lead you through the basics of Upshot-Dating®.
Book a 30-minute Assessment Call if you want to work with me privaltey like Ricarda did.
I look forward to meeting you!
Anina Green | Soulmate Katalyst Ltd.
Clinical Psychologist, Certified Dating Coach, Wife, Physicist, Founder of Upshot-Dating®
Dedicated to Your Success in Love Since 2016