How to be the Queen of Joy and why she matters in Upshot-Dating® and Finding the Right Man for You.
In Jewish tradition, Joy—Simcha (שִׂמְחָה)—is not a fleeting emotion or a passive reaction to events; it is a steady state of being and a conscious practice of presence. Unlike “happiness,” which often depends on external circumstances, simcha is described as an internal “liquid” that flows through life’s ups and downs. And that is why she, the Queen of Joy—Malkat Simcha (מַלְכַּת שִׂמְחָה)—matters in life and love.
She adds positive stability and helps you appreciate your life as the precious gift it is. With this perspective, your life will automatically be so much better, and your dating experience will have a positive undertone; men who share your positive, constructive outlook and who want to make you happy will be drawn to you.
In short, having a positive bias is good for you, brings the right man to you, and keeps the wrong ones away—those who want to keep you small and restrict you in living your life to the fullest, or who are into relationship drama, just to name a few examples.
As established above, this concept of joy does not ask for external permission—neither should you, as a Modern Queen, rely on external permission. You are too powerful for that. I want you to start creating your state from the inside out. Be your own rock; that is the fundamental tool of emotional control and self-management.
Do not depend on, or make your emotional state dependent on, a man on a date—whether he says the right things or not. Stay on your track and be stubbornly focused on your “Upshot.” You will find the right man for you, and you shall have the love, commitment, and romantic relationship you deserve. The Queen of Joy as an attitude is one of your best companions on the way there.
The Queen of Joy is the version of you that knows how to enjoy her life right now—not just once the goal is reached, but in the moment-to-moment practice of living.
Joy as a Strategic Advantage
In my work as a clinical psychologist and dating coach, I see many intelligent, hard-working women who are experts at “Success,” but they have forgotten the “Art of Joy.” They are waiting to be happy until they find the man, get the ring, or reach the next career milestone.
The Queen of Joy knows better. She understands that her joy is not a destination; it is her power base. Joy, happiness, and saying yes to pleasure are deeply feminine attributes many hard-working successful women (me included in the past) have lost connection with when we first begin working together.
Whenever a client shares with me that she feels burnt out, I ask her when was the last time she enjoyed herself. Laughed out loud and felt relaxed? This can bring up tears of exhaustion and painful realisations. But through that comes the growth from struggle and stress to more joy.
Men do not fall in love with your CV, your C-suite title, or your ability to solve problems. They fall in love with your radiance. They fall in love with how it feels to be in your presence. And with how they can give to you, make you happy, and be there for you.
When you embody the Queen of Joy:
- You are magnetic: Joy is the most attractive frequency. It signals that you are a woman who is already fulfilled. Joy makes you radiant. Men love happy women. A smile is the most beautiful thing you can wear.
- You move out of “Lacking Mode”: You aren’t looking for a man to “make” you happy; you are looking for a partner to share your happiness with. This, as mentioned above, keeps away the wrong kind of men, who need you to rescue them or mother them or build them up. And draws in men who want their woman to be happy and add to her happiness.
- You establish depth: Joy allows you to be soft, warm, and real—the very things that allow a masculine man to bond with you deeply. And the two of you enjoy life together.
Simcha is quiet, knowing, not outward performance
Being a Queen of Joy is not about “fake” positivity or being overly loud and in-your-face. It is not performance or proving anything. It is the deep, stable knowledge that you deserve to enjoy your life.
For the Modern Queen, joy is a choice and a practice.
Here are three ways to make joy and pleasure a routine habit and lifestyle, as the Modern Queen does:
1. Gratitude
מוֹדֶה אֲנִי Modeh Ani is a prayer of gratitude for being alive. Whether you believe in G-d, are somewhat spiritual, or are an atheist, as a client-centred consultant (inspired by Carl R. Rogers), my system can be adapted to you—as long as you are an intelligent, educated woman with a strong character and the heart of a lioness, which is the best way to describe the essence of my ideal client.
Regardless of your opinion on whether G-d exists—because we cannot know that for certain, so why argue?—what we can logically agree on is that there are many good things in life, and focusing on them makes the overall experience more positive. It makes you more productive, reduces your stress levels, and increases the likelihood of better outcomes.
That was the argument for a prayer routine, which some of my clients have. Regardless of your take on prayer, we can all agree on the lowest common denominator: it makes sense to be grateful and to have a routine for practising gratitude. I am asking you to find one that aligns with your worldview.
If you really give this a go, you will never come to the end of all the things you can be grateful for. Of course, you can do the same in reverse. You can start a never-ending list of all that is wrong. Which proves the whole point—it is a choice.
2. Focus and Perspective
Controlling your focus and becoming aware of your perspective is the ultimate mindset work of a Modern Queen. As a psychologist, I know that our brains are naturally wired with a “negativity bias” to keep us safe, but as a modern woman, it is safe to learn to override this primitive system.
Your perspective is the lens through which you view every date and every interaction. By consciously choosing where to place your attention, you take back the power of self-management. You stop being a victim of your circumstances and start being the architect of your reality. Choose a perspective that serves your “Upshot” (dating goal) rather than one that reinforces your fears.
3. Spoil Yourself
Treat yourself to the big things you want, and enjoy the small moments too. Feel and soak in all the good things your hard-worked-for life has to offer you. This is the art of the Modern Queen—knowing that you are not just a “producer” of results, but a “receiver” of life’s beauty.
Take a deep breath and enjoy the wonderful life you have. Treat yourself and feel fully worthy of it. Eat the chocolate cake and extra whipped cream with joy. Laugh out loud, meet your friends, and hug your family. Buy the designer bag, invest in the coaching program, get your nails done, and walk barefoot on the grass.
Whether they are big or small, do them all habitually and religiously. Practise joy and let it flood every cell of your body. Instead of rushing through life, slow down.
My client Matilda, a high-profile lawyer and single mother, did exactly that.
Read her story here: How to Attract More Men Instantly: 3 Feminine Energy Secrets for the Busy Modern Queen
Anina Green | Soulmate Katalyst Ltd.
Clinical Psychologist, Certified Dating Coach, Wife, Physicist, Founder of Upshot-Dating®
Dedicated to Your Success in Love Since 2016